Day 76-82 - In Search Of Motivation, and The Winter Blahs

My apologies for the delay in posting. It's been a very busy time for me, and since this blog is very much a hobby, it's had to fall to a weekly update, likely every Friday. But it's just starting to get interesting...

I've officially lapsed. Apart from my weekly hockey games, I haven't been able to keep myself active. Those I've spoken with seem to blame the weather. It's unseasonably cold right now, and winter seems to have a firm, yet premature grip on the city. The general consensus is that I'm going into "hibernation mode", and will have to literally force myself to be active for the coming months. I've been fortunate enough to have inspired so many people, but I've forgotten to keep myself constantly motivated. I've fallen back into some of the "old me" habits that had recently been a distant memory, but the positive spin on this whole situation is that I've caught myself before I spiraled completely out of control. The problem of motivation still remains. It's so easy to just flop on the couch and stare at the flickering lights emitting from the television as the evenings waste away into oblivion. I need to take responsibility for my (lack of) actions, and just compel myself to become addicted to working out again. My life seems to revolve around attempting to control and focus my addictive personality on beneficial activities, all the while fighting to keep the sloth-like self-destruction at bay. Saying that this is a difficult balancing act would be a gross understatement.

My food intake has still been fairly honest, though the weekends are still a difficult time. I have had some great ideas on how to control my poor weekend choices, and the truth is, I haven't implemented them. This upcoming weekend will once again mark a new beginning, and I will prepare the next day's food the evening prior. I found myself heading to the pantry or fridge every time I felt hunger, which seems to be a constant state of operation for me. Upon closer examination, I actually believe it to be more of a habitual action than one driven by actual hunger. If I felt bored, I again turned to food to entertain myself, not for nourishment. Trying to undo all of these habits that I've developed over decades seems to be a daunting task, but I feel if I can stay on top of it and not allow a busy schedule to disrupt my overall plan, things should be getting positive again. This is a very strong instinct that I'm fighting against, me against myself, and there can only be one winner. I could throw out all the cheesy clichés here, but it all comes down to one point. I had given up on myself, without even knowing it. And it happened so gradually, it's as if there are forces working against me at every turn. And though I know they are there, I've allowed them to take advantage of me once again. My "go-get-em" attitude has been exchanged for "sit-and-rest-and-maybe-have-a-nap".

This isn't a made-for-TV drama, or even a reality show. There's no cameras following and judging my every move, putting much needed pressure on myself to succeed. This is me trying and failing and trying and failing in real time. In real life. And in real life there isn't always the happy ending you expect. There are setbacks and disappointments, moments of weakness, and of clarity. There's no script written with me emerging the victor, triumphantly climbing the steps of City Hall and pumping my fist in the air as my body fades to silhouette and the credits roll. Even when I DO reach my goal, I'll still have to get up the next day and continue to work hard. If there's any solace I can take from this, it's that the end is NOT yet written, and I still have a chance to make this happen. I've found a way to draw inspiration from myself, and am able to start the next chapter. Emotionally battered and bruised of my own volition, I'm ready to pick up the pieces and give this another shot. I am the author of this story, and I'm not ready to pen the conclusion or write myself out of this tale quite yet. I want the happy ending, and I'm going to have to earn it.