Day 9 - Dealing With "Why?" and Too Much Too Soon

The mornings prior were normally met with what can best be described as a "good ache". The feeling that my muscles had been worked over, but were revitalized. Day 9 begins with fatigue, the first time I've really felt tired since I started. Sore, down to the bone. Step on the scale, not much progress, but still in the right direction. Ugh. I shuffle out the door, bleary-eyed and feeling tenderized. I come up with a new short-term goal during the morning commute, "This coming weekend I will not gain weight.". I had seemed to have accepted the increased Monday mass as an unavoidable occurrence, but I now don't believe that is the case.

I had a sort of self-pity attitude milling around me, not rendering me unhappy or depressed, just a kind of "Why me?" question constantly pecking at the back of my head. "Why can I not eat what I want?", "Why is that person able to eat all the tasty foods while I'm stuck with a salad?", "Why do I have to bust my butt every day to lose weight, while some people don't workout and never gain a pound?". The answers were simple. I did eat what I wanted for many years, and I ate lots of it. So much so, that I had put myself in a position where my health was in jeopardy because of it. That person over there eating that gooey cinnamon bun for breakfast may have a very active lifestyle that allows them to eat in that way. They also likely know what it's like to feel full, but sadly I don't have that luxury. I could stuff myself breathless, only to be snooping around the pantry and refrigerator an hour later. Comparing my own situation to others is unfair. Making daily, even hourly, adjustments to suit my needs is crucial to finding the magic balance between the physical and emotional ties to food, eating, and exercise. So what if that person over there is eating a bacon cheeseburger, I've gotten myself into this situation, and it's time to get out of it. It is a constant, never-ending battle between want and need, only this time, need is the one that's conquering.

The evening of Day 9 was full of errands, running around, and a general need to get things done. My exhaustion only worsened as the evening grew late, and as we arrived home, I was completely spent. The guilt of not working out that night was quickly eradicated the moment I fell into the bed. Perhaps I had been pushing myself too hard and it was catching up with me. I was overcome by my own eagerness to propel myself to the limits. Hopefully the rest would do me good, as there's a lot more ground to cover, and it's not going to happen overnight. Though, sometimes I wish it would.